Linda Greenberg: how to recognize division before we fall

One day as my husband and I chatted over our morning coffee, his tone suddenly changed. I responded, “Five minutes ago, I was precious!”

He stared at me with a puzzled look. His words hadn’t been cruel but his tone was sharp and my feelings were hurt. I had unintentionally said something that offended him and his harsh tone lashed back at me.

When we were first married, we expected our marriage to be loving, peaceful and alive with passion. But, once we settled into married life, our peace was not always intact. Although our hearts still overflowed with love and passion, our relationship had changed. We were no longer dating—we were in the trenches together. As we strained under the pressures of life, we offended and irritated each other over little things.   

When we hurt each other’s feelings we would hold onto our hurts until one of us apologized—usually the one most desperate for peace. During those periods of division, our thoughts were negative towards each other and we felt anything but loving. 

We assumed these quarrels were normal and, as long as we made up and truly loved each other, our marriage was a success.

Our views were challenged one day by a pastor’s sermon on the dangers of allowing strife in marriage. He referenced the Bible verse, “Where envying and strife is, there is every evil work.” (James 3:16)

“When we allow strife,” he explained, “we open the door to evil and destruction. It’s like allowing someone to deposit termites in our home. In time we will have severe damage to the foundation of our house.”

At first we judged his standards as too high and unrealistic. Everyone has tiffs. We’re human, we reasoned.

He went on to say, “When we become disconnected through conflict, negative thoughts flood our minds. Our feelings toward each other become bitter rather than sweet. These thoughts and feelings eat away at our respect, loyalty and trust. Even though we make amends and forgive each other, some damage is done each time. A protective wall begins to grow between our hearts and over time our unity is lost.” 

By the end of his talk, we began to re-evaluate our standards. We hadn’t considered those clashes as destructive to our relationship and took them for granted as part of normal married life. We were unaware that we were opening a door to evil and allowing unseen damage to eat away at the foundation and unity of our marriage.

As we grasped the seriousness of allowing conflict to have even the slightest place in our relationship, we realized that any amount of strife was dangerous. We knew there would always be times when we would disagree on issues and would have to discuss and compromise with each other. But strife and division involved hurt feelings, anger and offense, which led to a break in our unity. So with our new outlook, we determined to make drastic changes to eliminate strife completely. 

Our next challenge was to figure out how to do that. We analyzed the kinds of issues that put us at odds with each other and examined the things that irritated and offended us. Although we tried to eliminate spats completely, we failed time after time. We became discouraged. Our biggest problem seemed to be how to end the rift once it began. 

After many failed attempts, we focused on the culprit, which was our pride. We realized that once we became upset, our pride jumped right in and blocked us from ending our spat. Feeling wronged by each other, we wanted to hear an apology before we felt able to forgive and make things right. Our emotions were in charge. There we were stuck like a car in the mud—holding onto our hurt feelings until someone was willing to apologize. 

Committed to our new standard, we tried to swallow our foolish pride in order to restore harmony quickly but failed more often than not.

One day our emotions flared with each other and we were about to fall into our old pattern. Suddenly, my husband said, “We can’t afford to have division. I’m sorry for my part.” I thought, your part? You mean you’re not taking full responsibility for this? But, I realized he was right. We couldn’t afford to have friction. Our unity was more important than justifying our feelings. I took a deep breath and said, “You’re right—we can’t afford division. I’m sorry for my part too.”

As we embraced, all those hurt feelings melted away. Our conflict was over as fast as it began. It didn’t matter who was at fault. It mattered more that we took a stand against division and bolted that door shut. 

We’ve continued to use this strategy for many years and it works every time. A friend who tried it said, “It was hard at first but it got easier every time we did it. It really works. Our anger just melts away.” 

Those words, we can’t afford division. I’m sorry for my part, have become significant keys to our peaceful, loving relationship.

Linda Greenberg lives in London, Ontario with her husband Michael. Her memoir, “Show Him the Father,” is their true love story and spiritual journey – a Jewish man and a Christian woman – with God’s supernatural revelations Connect with Linda at Lindagreenberg.today

Find this true love story on Amazon.

Linda and Michael appeared on Sid Roth’s It’s Supernatural program. Listen how Michael found the Messiah. It’s called Jesus Visited Me at Church! His Words Amazed Me.